How do I stop my child’s constant back chat?
Q: How can I stop my child’s argumentative back chat and rude, cheeky answering back?
Dr Wright answers:
Argumentative, cheeky and rude back chat from children or teens can be intensely annoying. Further, it is often considered to be a form of disrespect. Parents usually like their children to express opinions, but constant back chat and rude, cheeky behaviour is ultimately socially unacceptable. Argumentative behaviour usually escalates quickly. For this reason, parents are often caught deciding in the moment if their child’s language and attitude is rude, cheeky or disrespectful. Put simply, excessive argumentative back chat is a problem if it interferes with the communication process between parents and children. When children or teens are considered rude and argumentative, they are commonly misunderstood and suffer social rejection. On the other hand, if children are not taught respectful modes of communication, they sometimes learn to bully their own parents.
Back chatting usually begins around two years of age, when toddlers commonly shout ‘NO’ to parental demands or requests. Around age three to four, most children argue in simple phrases and sentences. Some children settle in middle childhood, but answering back can become masterful in the teen years. Serious discipline problems can persist from early childhood through the middle years to adolescence.
The cause of constant arguments and disruption is not always clear. It has been established that children feel more secure when rules and expectations are clear and consistent. When there is more than one parent, however, agreeing on acceptable standards can be challenging, as cultural and social expectations vary greatly. Children quickly learn to argue one parent’s view against the other. A precocious four-year-old who constantly asks ‘why’ without complying may, for example, be seen as argumentative and oppositional by one parent, ‘intelligent’ and curious by the other. An argumentative, back-chatting teenager may be seen as normal by one parent, and rude and oppositional by the other.
For those who parent apart, insisting on respectful communication and reducing argumentative answering back requires an extra measure of communication. Parents in conflict measurably affect children’s wellbeing, and this is strongly associated with discipline problems and behavioural disorders. It is also useful to know that constant argumentative back chat is sometimes seen as an indicator of several conditions, including ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
Numerous interviews show that most parents consider discipline to be a major part of their parenting experience. It is normal, and indeed healthy, for children to test limits and feel secure within them. If your child or teen’s argumentative back chat is defiant or hostile insofar as it disrupts family life, you are wise to seek advice about specific, tailored strategies to make a rapid, positive difference to your particular situation.
Have you ever wondered why your child asks so many ‘why’ questions? A team of Swiss researchers led by Antonio Bova in 2011 showed, through careful analysis, that children’s ‘why questions’ serve two main functions. Firstly, children ask ‘why questions’ to fill in knowledge gaps — put simply, kids want information. Secondly, ‘why questions’ serve to trigger an argumentative discussion with their parent. In this case, children and teens attempt to raise doubts about their parent’s knowledge base or engage in a combative argument. Can you tell the difference?
A sample of Dr Wright’s tips for argumentative back chat:
Come to an agreement with your spouse on expectations and boundaries. Be consistent and predictable, yet able to take into consideration special circumstances.
Be prepared — when problems arise, deliver a calm response. Avoid yelling and maintain a neutral body stance.
Try alternative methods of communication. For very young children, or for those with language-processing problems, use visual pictures or symbols to deliver your message.
Avoid engaging with rude back chat or excessively argumentative behaviour. When your child stops arguing, take time to listen carefully to the problem underlying the argument.
Give your child clear, limited choices. This provides your child with decision-making power within your carefully thought-out boundaries.
Ensure your expectations are age and ability appropriate.
Be mindful of your child’s perceived problems, and show that you understand the problem from differing perspectives.
Dr Gloria S Wright is an internationally recognised educator, child expert and speaker. She directly supports parents by bridging the gap between home, school and clinical reports or diagnoses. Her emphasis on education, rather than ‘medicalisation’, provides alternative ways of understanding and managing children’s learning and behaviour. For techniques and strategies for your specific situation, connect with Dr Wright.
