How do I discipline my child — firmly and kindly?
Q: How do I discipline my child? I’m having problems controlling my teen. I need discipline techniques to stop the lies and disobedience — and how do I balance parental control with my child’s independence?
Dr Wright answers:
Discipline and control issues rank highest on the list of parenting concerns. Parents want their child or teen to grow up self-controlled, independent, respectful and responsible, but avoiding discipline and control problems along the way can be challenging. Most children and teens, at least on some occasions, tell lies, break rules, are cheeky and rude, and even defiant or oppositional. If you have discipline and control issues, find a way to improve your skills soon, because excessive oppositional behaviour and discipline problems can limit children’s social and educational opportunities, damage relationships and result in mental health categorisations.
Discipline dilemmas for parents occur when there is difficulty balancing parental control with children’s self-determination. Parents want to encourage independence and, at the same time, keep their child safe.
From the moment a child is born, she or he is on a pathway to independence — independence of body, mind and thought. This means that from birth onwards, children are on a pathway of separation from their parents.
An early example is seen in the image of a baby snatching the spoon from its parent to feed itself. Here, the child is demanding control to self-feed. Most parents see this as normal and encourage this stage of development. As children’s determination for control continues alongside developmental stages, discipline becomes more complex and conflict arises. Around two years of age, parental redirection is often quashed by the oppositional power of the mighty two-year-old!
Around three to four years, most children begin to manipulate their environment by telling ‘little’ lies — either to get something or to avoid parental disapproval or discipline. In this period, it is important for parents to guide and correct, because the early beginnings of respectful patterns of communication are formed.
In middle childhood, all may seem balanced for a while, and children may even appear more sensible than their adolescent counterparts! Adolescence is, in contrast, a period of heightened emotions. Widening freedoms provide scope for teens to make decisions which are sometimes regrettable. Generally, teens assert increased self-direction, and boundaries once observed in middle childhood are commonly questioned and sometimes breached. Besides physical or social harm, when teens are more susceptible to peer influence, parental trust can be compromised.
Returning to earlier years and more serious problems, blatant oppositional behaviour can occur as early as four to five years of age. This can take many overt and covert forms and occur in differing environments. A child may, for example, be compliant at home and oppositional at school, or vice versa — or may dominate at home and withdraw at school. To add to the complexities, adult modelling of respectful communication plays a vital role affecting children and teens.
Parents experiencing discipline difficulties, whatever the age of their child or teen, are wise to seek professional advice. A range of influencing factors, including partner conflict, should be checked. Extreme behaviour often follows medicalising pathways and mental health categorisations such as, for example, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
Research by Wai Yung Lee and team (2010), capturing children’s responses to parent conflict, shows that parental disagreements directly affect children’s physical and emotional state. Discipline issues are the most common outcome. Large bodies of research suggest that children who witness parental conflict, overt or covert, are less resilient to life’s challenges than those children who experience minimal parental conflict.
Difficulties arise when your child or teen makes unsafe, unwise or disruptive choices, pushes the limits and exceeds boundaries. When your child defies limits, breaches boundaries and is rude and oppositional, your efforts to protect and guide are compromised and parenting stress rises.
Discipline is a major area of parenting. Your concerns are important, and practical, field-tested solutions are available. The decisions you make surrounding discipline will have far-reaching effects on your child’s longer-term learning and behaviour outcomes and your overall family life. It is therefore wise to seek support and advice earlier rather than later.
A sample of Dr Wright’s tips for effective discipline:
Establish clear boundaries. If you share parenting with another person, agree on your responses. Commit to a consistent approach without being too rigid.
Engage in communication with your child or teen. Set aside time every day to do things together.
Without prying, stay connected with your child’s interests. Make this a two-way experience; teach your child to take an interest in other people too, including you.
Talk with other parents about their perspectives on a range of topics. Consider differences. Maintain your own well-thought-out decisions.
Avoid making rules or limits on the run — especially when in the middle of conflict. If this occurs, apologise to your child and explain your intended future response.
Allow your child to take increasing responsibility from early childhood through to the teens, so that by young adulthood your child is entirely making her or his own decisions.
If your child fails to tell you the truth or breaches limits, stay calm and assertive. Show parental leadership by putting into place measures to help your child. Be forgiving, but clear about your expectations.
Ensure communication with your spouse is appropriate. Parental conflict, overt or covert, rates as the highest cause of child wellbeing issues.
Dr Gloria S Wright is an internationally recognised educator, child expert and speaker. She directly supports parents by bridging the gap between home, school and clinical reports or diagnoses. Her emphasis on education, rather than ‘medicalisation’, provides alternative ways of understanding and managing children’s learning and behaviour. For techniques and strategies for your specific situation, connect with Dr Wright.
